How to Find Your Purpose and Passion

How to Find Your Purpose and Passion

1. Get More Action

You can’t think your way into finding your life purpose; you have to do your way into it. Take a mental note from Nike and Just Do It. The more we act, the more we get clear on things. So instead of overthinking it — Will this work out? Should I try that? What if I don’t like it? What if I don’t make money at it? Start taking steps toward your goals and start trying new things. This will help you get out of your own way. I struggled for years trying to find out what my purpose was. This cycle only created a deeper lack of clarity. It wasn’t until I started doing that things changed for me. I began writing, and sent a story to Chicken Soup for the Soul. The second I received the letter of acceptance was unlike any ever before, love flooded into my heart and I knew that this was what I had to do with my life. You see though, I had to start writing to learn that my biggest passion was indeed writing. That only came with consistent action.

The experience is the reward; clarity comes through the process of exploring. Action is where you get results.

2. Drop From Your Head to Your Heart

Your heart is your best tool to access your true purpose and passion. Ask yourself what you love? Start taking steps to do what you love. When you are inspired and connected to your happy self, inspiration floods your heart and soul. When you lead from your heart, you are naturally more joyful and motivated to explore. By doing what you love, you will be inspired and gain insights into what brings you the most joy.

3. Break Up with The “ONE”

Many of us struggle because we try to find that ONE thing that we are meant to do; but trying to find only one thing is the reason why we feel like something is missing. The notion that we have only one thing we are meant for limits us from fulfilling our greatness. Take me for example; I have six different job titles. I’m a life coach, travel writer, author, speaker, teacher, mentor, designer, and each thing I do brings me joy, but none of these are my purpose, they are my passions. So start getting in touch with your passions! When you lead a passionate life you are living your life on purpose.

Let go of thinking there is only one purpose for you and embrace the idea that our purpose in life is to love life fully by putting ourselves into our life! This means we jump in and try new things; we stop resisting the unknown and we fully engage in what is happening right here, where we are. To lead a purposeful life, follow your passions. When we live a passion-filled life we are living on purpose, and that is the purpose of life.

That feeling that something is missing goes away when you lead a passion-filled life. The need to seek our purpose comes from a lack of passion. When you don’t feel connected to your life, you lack purpose and passion. To fix this emptiness simply add more passion. To boil it down, remember this simple equation:

Passion + Daily Action = Purposeful Life

Consider that the real purpose of anyone’s life is to be fully involved in living. Try to be present for the journey and fully embrace it. Soon you will be oozing with passion, and you will feel so purposeful and fulfilled you will wonder how you lived life without it. Enjoy the journey into your own awesome life.

A simple 10 minute guide to amazing self-talk

A simple 10 minute guide to amazing self-talk
We each have many thousands of thoughts every day. Many of them come in the form of self-talk. How you talk to yourself is important for your confidence and self-belief but incredibly; it is often overlooked. Self-talk is a soundtrack that’s constantly playing in your head, and its impact is dramatic. The conversations you have with yourself help determine your emotions and actions. Think about it for a minute; if you are consistently beating yourself up, how can you ever expect to feel good about yourself or believe in yourself? And, as the old question goes, if you don’t believe in yourself, why would anybody else?

Discover The Fundamentals of a Positive Mindset

What are the consequences of negative self-talk?
One of the most common problems you will see from those with poor self-talk habits is that they consistently seek the approval of others. They are willing to give on their own wants, needs and desires in order to gain the approval of others. This is an incredibly unhealthy habit which leads to a severe lack of enjoyment and fulfillment along with a great deal of stress, anxiety and worry. And, it often stems from a lack of self-belief and self-esteem; evidenced by negative self-talk.

Dealing with negative self-talk
Do not underestimate the power of negative self-talk. If you are consistently reinforcing low opinions of yourself, you will come to believe them and act as if they are real. You may not even be aware of the full extent of your negative self-talk but when you’re armed with a little knowledge, you can make some really positive changes.
The following points will help you to learn about the different types of self-talk and how to use them to your advantage.

Self-Talk in General
1. Raise your awareness
Self-talk is so natural that you may not even realize what you’ve been saying to yourself all these years. With any change that you wish to make in your life, you need to become aware of the full extent of the problem before you can set about changing it.

The first step is to become conscious of the commentary you create about your life. Whenever you find yourself in a negative mood, pay attention to the things that you are saying to yourself and how they make you feel. You will soon begin to realise the level of damage that you are doing to yourself.

2. Disrupt old patterns
Just because you are saying it to yourself, it does not mean that it must be true. Do not be afraid to dispute your self-talk (yes you can have a little argument with yourself). Challenge any unduly harsh criticism by telling yourself, out loud if possible, that those comments are untrue and you are over reacting.

Self-talk is also a tool for making changes. For example, if you are beating yourself up about a lack of knowledge or skill, you can use this as an opportunity to create a learning plan for yourself and improve your knowledge and skills.
Note: if you are not prepared to tackle the knowledge or skill deficit, then the issue must not be that important for you so, let it go.

A friend of mine regularly beat himself up about not making the most of his schooling. I asked him if he was prepared to go back to education (at night) and he said ‘No’. I then asked him how it served him to keep beating himself up about something which he was not prepared to do anything about. He soon realised the folly of his behavior and he has since made some improvements.

3. Conduct a reality check
Assess how your self-talk measures up to what’s really happening around you. There’s a big difference between burning one slice of toast and being a failure in the kitchen.
Disputation is a powerful tool. Do not just accept what you say in your self-talk. Challenge any negative thoughts until you have developed a more realistic viewpoint. You don’t have to force yourself to be optimistic about everything but you do need to avoid undue negativity.

4. Talk it over
Feedback from others is also valuable. See how your impressions compare to what your coworkers or partner say about you. You must remember that you cannot be truly objective in your own life, thus making it hard to be completely realistic. Friends tend to be more objective (though not always) and will generally be more realistic in their assessments.
Gaining a 360-degree view on yourself, from people whom you can trust to be honest, will help you to be more realistic.

5. Be consistent
If you are negative with your self-talk, it didn’t happen overnight. You will have been telling yourself the same negative messages, over and over again, until you got to a point where you accepted them as true. That is the power of consistency. The good thing is that you can use consistency to your advantage too.
We need to hear a message multiple times before we accept it. So, instead of the negative messages which you have been feeding yourself, choose a kinder, more supportive message which you can give to yourself. Whenever you find yourself been negative, take charge of your self-talk and deliver this message to yourself, repeatedly. Your inner dialogue will grow wiser with practice and your self-talk will gradually become kinder.

6. Regard yourself as a friend
We sometimes speak more harshly to ourselves than we would to anyone else. Instead, talk to yourself as though you were a loving friend. Seek to be truthful and supportive with yourself.

Motivational Self-Talk
1. Build up your strength
Motivational self-talk tends to work best in situations that require endurance and confidence. A pep talk can boost your confidence and make you believe in your worth and abilities.
Don’t expect it to happen overnight. Remember that before you truly believe a message, you must receive that message repeatedly. Every time that you are in a position which requires some motivational self-talk, take the opportunity to deliver your positive message. With every use, you will believe it that little bit more.

2. Find your hot buttons
Not every message will work for every person. Certain words resonate better with some than others. To find the right message, you may need to do a little experimenting. Have some fun to find the message that resonates best with you.
Choose words that invigorate you. You may want to call yourself a superhero or remind yourself that you’re awesome.

3. Keep it brief
Don’t try to deliver a rousing speech like Mel Gibson in ‘Braveheart’. It’s a bit like saying ‘No’ to someone. If you provide too much information, you give them something to argue with and pick holes in so, you are better off just saying ‘No’.

When giving yourself a motivational pep talk, don’t give yourself anything to argue with. Using single words and short phrases helps you stay on track. You’ll be more likely to focus on your assets without getting distracted by nagging doubts.

Instructional Self-Talk
1. Start early
New projects provide an ideal opportunity for instructional self-talk. Coach yourself during the important beginning stages. Be kind, gentle and supportive; just as you would be if you were coaching somebody else.
This provides a great opportunity to be proactive with your self-talk. Because you are being proactive and positive, you will drown out much of the negative self-talk which you may have become accustomed to. Instead of 100% negative self-talk, you will dilute it down with every positive piece of self-talk that you deliver.

2. Be precise
Break tasks down into specific steps. If you’re working on your public speaking, urge yourself to make eye contact, talk at an appropriate pace, and sound enthusiastic during your speech.
It is best to just focus on one or two of these habits with each speech. You will soon find that you do them without thinking about them and you can then focus on a different new habit for the next speech.

3. Visualize success
Picture yourself getting the results you want. Self-talk doesn’t always take the form of words. The images you present yourself with will also deliver either a positive or negative message. When you focus on a positive imagery i.e. achieving your goals, you are reminding yourself that you can do it; that you have the knowledge, skills and attributes necessary to be a success.

Positive visualization is one of the most powerful self-talk habits that you can practice. They say that a picture paints 1,000 words so make sure that you are focusing on positive, empowering imagery.

Reassuring Self-Talk
1. Acknowledge your feelings
Soothing self-talk can help you manage tense moments with more comfort and skill. For best results, accept your emotions instead of trying to suppress them. You can act courageously even if you feel afraid.

2. Create distance
A recent study found that calling yourself by name or substituting the word “you” instead of “I” enabled people to perform better under stress. It’s one way to restore objectivity when you’re feeling pressured.

3. Look on the bright side
Self-talk won’t make life’s challenges disappear. Bad things happen and if you want to continue to grow and thrive, you need to take on bigger and bigger challenges. There will be times when you have doubts and difficulties but these are opportunities to advance yourself.

So how can self-talk help? It can help you respond more constructively. Instead of criticising yourself for a past misstep, concentrate on what you can do better in the future.? It enables you to realise that you are a fallible human being. You understand that just as you have the ability to You don’t have to live with negative self-talk. It doesn’t have to be something which just happens. If you leave your negative self-talk unchallenged, the consequences will continue to get worse, to the point where they cripple your self-belief and self-esteem.

Instead, you can channel your self-talk and start moving in a positive direction. Get in touch with the thoughts that automatically run through your head, and turn them into a steady stream of encouragement. You’ll reduce stress, enhance your self-confidence, and enjoy more success in life.

BEING THE BEST YOU POSSIBLE…..

Success and happiness in life is all about being the best ‘You’ that you can be.

Authenticity is often overlooked component of happiness.

Many people give in to their need for the approval of others. They are happy to change their behavior and act against their values and beliefs in order to gain the approval of others.

However, you can never be truly happy by seeking approval because in gaining the approval, you are rejecting yourself.

Instead, it is best to stay true to yourself and to give yourself permission to follow your own path.

The following tips will show you how you can become the best you possible.

Tip One:
Give yourself permission to have dreams and goals in your life, regardless of what your family and friends may say or think. If you want to learn how to climb a mountain, go skydiving one day, or spend hours painting just go for it.

Tip Two:
Remember that you own your life and that you have only one life. Life is too short to keep putting things off until next week or next year. Start making plans that will help you fulfill your dreams.

Tip Three:
Write out your dreams and desires on paper. This will help them feel more real to you. Then go through your list and place them in order. Have the one you want to do first on top.

Tip Four:
Start planning out how you will achieve your dream. Do you need to learn a new skill? Take certain lessons? Or you may have to save up the cash for it.

Tip Five:
Create a plan of action of things that you can do immediately that will help you reach your dream. It can often help to break down larger goals into much smaller ones. This way they become more manageable and easier to attain.

Tip Six:
Stay motivated and on track with reaching your goal. Don’t let others dissuade you from your dream.

Tip Seven:
Stay realistic with your dream. Ensure that your end goal is something that you can actually achieve. There is no point in dreaming of climbing a mountain if you are terrified of heights!

Tip Eight:
Be authentic to those who try to stop you in your tracks. Listen to their objections and then counter them with an action plan. If you map out your steps to reach your goal and can clearly show this to others, objections will become fewer as time goes on.

Tip Nine:
While reaching your dreams will help fulfill your life, you don’t want to lose your friends and family over it. Take time to discuss your plans with anyone who is concerned. After all they do have your best interests at heart.

Tip Ten:
Ensure that your goal is something you really want. Don’t do anything out of spite just to prove a point to someone. Open up your heart and your feelings and let those tugs pull you in the right direction.
The very first step in goal setting is to clearly define your purpose i.e. who you really are and what you are trying to achieve with your life.

Each goal should help you be congruent with your purpose and help you to live your purpose.

The key to pushing through the tough times…

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I am currently implementing the plan which governs the remainder of this year and all of next year.

The stage of the plan which I am working on right now involves a lot of the following activities:

• Article writing
• Product and Service delivery
  
• Training and reading educational material
• Research
• Financial Accounts

While I do enjoy each of these activities, they are also very tiring activities which require a great deal of concentration.

The sheer quantity of these activities at present is very tiring. Despite this, I find myself jumping out of bed each morning to get cracking on the work for the day. The reason I do this is that the vision I have for my business and work is so inspiring to me.  And, the reason it is so inspiring is because the vision itself is inspired by my purpose.

In fact, it is bringing my purpose to life. That is how you get motivated to push through the difficult activities, days and weeks.  You take the time to identify and define your purpose. You create a vision for your life/business/work which will serve that purpose and bring it to life.

Then, you create the goals which will enable you to realize that vision. It all starts with a clear and defined purpose i.e. who you are and the reason you want to do what you want to do. It is only when you are clear on your purpose that you start to feel the real joy, enthusiasm and motivation for life.

So, take the time to get clear on your purpose. I promise you that it is worth the effort.

LISTEN TO YOURSELF AND YOU

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A great deal of bad time management comes from trying to do what everyone else wants you to do.

A great deal of unhappiness and lost confidence comes from trying to do what everyone else wants you to do.

Whether you want to be:

• Productive
• Successful
• Happy
• Confident

Or any of the above; you need to dedicate your life to living from the inside out. In other words, you need to be true to your purpose, values and; set goals which are truly your goals.

Listen to yourself and you’ll always be happy

Coaching requires the coach to spend a great deal of time listening the client. When appropriate, the coach will interject with a question. There are a number of reasons why the coach may choose to ask a particular question but quite often the question is saying one thing to the client – listen to yourself.

It is important that the client does not just listen to the words they speak, but also to the way in which they say it and the feelings they experience when they say it. This is listening at a much deeper level than most people are used to. When you listen to yourself, you live your values and pursue your dreams. This is one of the most effective strategies for reducing stress and increasing personal happiness.

We all like to offer advice to our friends but sometimes, when we are offering that advice from the depths of our heart, we are not just speaking to our friends, we are also speaking to ourselves. So, take the time to listen to yourself; it may be the wisest advice you ever receive.

Start the day with a plan of action

Start the day with a plan of action

In time management, one of the most common problems that I see is that people tend to rush into the day without any form of a plan for what they are trying to get done. People who do not have a plan for the day end up wasting a lot of time trying to decide what they should be doing next. Every time that they have to make such a decision, they have to run through every option and weigh up the pro’s and cons. This wastes precious time and can lead to that dreaded thing called the ‘paralysis of analysis’. When this problem strikes, you end up getting nothing of value done because you spend too much time trying to determine the best thing to do.

Another major issue with starting your day without a plan is that you concede control of your time. If you have not taken the time to determine your most important tasks, you end up jumping from task to task based on the demands of others. Whoever screams loudest at you wins the race to get you working on what they want you to do. And so, you end up working on the tasks that are more important to others; which rarely matches the tasks that are most important for you.

When you have a plan

When you take the time to organize your day, you’ll find that you move more effectively and swiftly through the day. You know what needs to be done; you know what jobs you are capable of doing on the day and, you are prepared to do those jobs. There is no need for you to waste time thinking about what you need to do next as you only have to look at your plan and you can spring into action.

When you have an effective plan, you are focused on the importance of each task. Some people like to start with an easy task while others feel more energetic at the beginning of the day and so tackle a difficult task first. However, the most effective way to prioritize is to do so based on importance. If you get your most important task completed early in the day; the rest of the day could go completely off track and you would still have had an effective day. Also, you don’t have to focus on the quantity of work that you do; you simply focus on getting good quality work done. There will be some days when you can’t do as much as you would like but by getting your most important work completed; you will continue to make steady progress.

I have created a FREE Report called ‘Improve Your Focus; Increase Your Productivity’. It does exactly what it says on the cover.

Get Your FREE Copy Here

Simple questions to make a quick plan

The following are just some very quick questions which can help you formulate an effective plan:

1. Are there tasks which have to be set up for specific times?

Think through the day. Do you have meetings at work which may take up your time? If so, those should be built in to your schedule first. Be careful to only include tasks/meetings which are time specific.

Once you have done this, you can then see quite clearly how much time you have available for other tasks.

2. What resources will I have access to?

There are many tasks which you can only perform if you have access to specific resources e.g. I can only type up this article if I have access to my computer. If I was not going to have access to my computer today, then there is no point putting this task on my plan for the day; as I couldn’t complete it.

When you are planning you will realize what resources you need for each task. In some cases, as with my example, you will not be able to add the task to your plan; in some cases you will just need to ensure that you bring the necessary resources with you. Also, in some cases, you will only have access to the necessary resources at set times so you will have to schedule the relevant tasks for those times.

3. What is my most important task?

Of all of the tasks that you need to complete, which one would have the biggest, positive impact? Be sure that you will have the necessary resources to complete the task.

This is your most important task. If you only completed that task today, you will still have a very good day.

4. What are the next 2 most important tasks?

If, for any reason, you cannot work on your most important task, then one of these tasks should be substituted. You can then return to the most important task at the first opportunity.

It isn’t always going to be possible to work on the most important task but it is imperative that you always work on the most important task that you can complete at that specific time.

I have created a FREE Report called ‘Improve Your Focus; Increase Your Productivity’. It does exactly what it says on the cover.

Get Your FREE Copy Here

5. What are your next 5 most important tasks?

These tasks serve a few purposes. If you cannot perform one of the most important tasks, you can still do some valuable work. Also, if you complete your most important tasks with time to spare, you can move straight onto these tasks and get even more valuable work done. It is important that you maximize the benefits of your best days and these tasks will ensure that you can do so.

For more great advice to improve your organization and focus, check out The Modern Professional’s Guide to Organization and Focus.

When planning, beware of easy or mindless activities that take up your important morning time – such as checking emails and getting stuck on Internet sites which aren’t important. Rather than try to fight the impulse to do these things; schedule some strict time through the day to perform these tasks e.g. I check my email twice per day.

Before you leave work, whether at an office or home desk, take some time to look at what you’ve accomplished during the day and plan your schedule for the next day. Identify the most important tasks that you can complete the following day and, prepare the resources that you will require to complete these tasks. Then, when you begin to work the next day, you will have a clear plan of action for the day ahead so you can hit the ground running. Of course, there will be times when emergencies arise and priorities change but with a properly made plan; you will still be able to make the most of your day and, pick up where you left off once the emergency has passed.

Why you must forget about FAIRNESS

I always believed in treating others fairly.

Perhaps as a natural consequence of this, I expected others to treat me fairly.

This caused me a lot of emotional pain because many people didn’t treat me in a way which I believed to be fair.

It was devastating for my confidence and self-esteem until I read a beautiful piece by Dr. Wayne Dyer, where he stated there was no such thing as fairness.

It suddenly dawned on me that everybody had a different definition for fairness.

If everybody’s definition is different, then there really isn’t any such thing as fairness.

There are just standards and values we choose to live by.

And, you cannot demand that others live by your standards.

When you accept that standards and values are not universal, you don’t get upset by perceived unfairness.

You simply accept that others are living by their own values and standards, as is their right, and they may not be a good fit for you.

If you find their standards unpalatable, you can of course choose to speak up or, even remove them from your life.

Values and standards are essential for communication, happiness, self-esteem, confidence and success.

They determine what you expect from yourself and what you will accept from others.

You just need to have clearly defined values and standards.

HAVE A FANTASTIC WEEKEND!!

What you should be doing..

In any moment, we know what is the best use of our time and resources. You can’t do every thing you would like to do.You will never be able to do every thing you would like to do.

That may sound negative but the reality is that you are not meant to do every thing. If you want a happy and successful life; you need to do less, not more. You just need to ensure that what you do is the most important thing you can be doing. You need to know your priorities and focus on them. For each key area of your life, you really only need one priority. Sure, you can do other things too but not until you have taken the necessary actions on your most important activities i.e. your priorities.

Imagine if you went to work each day and you completed your most important task, each day. Then, with the remaining time, you completed your next 1-3 most important actions, each day. You would have a very successful working life.

Sadly, most people choose to focus on getting as much done as possible. They don’t stop to think about what needs to be done and what can be let go. The biggest time waster is doing things you don’t need to be doing i.e. things which don’t need to be done or; could be outsourced or delegated.

Before you rush into your work, take the time to identify your priority for the day.

Follow that by identifying the next 1-3 most important tasks.

1. Get everything else off your plate; at least until these tasks have been completed.

2. Your results will shoot through the roof.

3. Try it for yourself.

For more great time management tips, check out Quick Fixes of Your Productivity.

Have a fantastic day,

Kiokoh

Avoiding conflict while dealing with difficult people

Avoiding conflict while dealing with difficult people

​There will always be people in your life who make things difficult for you. In most cases, they won’t be deliberately making your life more difficult but in some cases, they may do so. Either way, you need to take action to make sure these people stop having a negative impact on your life. If you sit quietly and do nothing, these difficult situations will continue; maybe even get worse. If you do decide to deal with the issue, you run the risk of the situation escalating into a conflict. Avoiding conflict is important for your sense of peace and happiness but you can’t put up with poor treatment just so you can avoid conflict. The good news is that dealing with difficult situations and avoiding conflict can go hand in hand. You just need the right strategies and a little forward thinking.

There will always be people in your life who make things difficult for you. In most cases, they won’t be deliberately making your life more difficult but in some cases, they may do so. Either way, you need to take action to make sure these people stop having a negative impact on your life. If you sit quiet and do nothing, these difficult situations will continue; maybe even get worse. If you do decide to deal with the issue, you run the risk of the situation escalating into a conflict. Avoiding conflict is important for your sense of peace and happiness but you can’t put with poor treatments just so you can avoid conflict. The good news is that dealing situations and avoiding conflict can go hand in hand. You just need the right strategies and a little forward thinking.

Note

There is no such thing as a difficult person. It is just a repeated pattern of difficult behavior which that person chooses to use. However, for illustrative purposes, people find it clearer when we use the term ‘difficult people/person’ so I will use that term. Just make sure that when you find yourself in a difficult situation, you focus on the behavior rather than the person as that will get you the best results.

You can improve your communication and relationship skills with my FREE Checklist – Do’s and Don’ts of Dealing with Difficult People.

Get Your FREE Copy!

​4 Powerful Strategies for avoiding conflict 

4 Powerful Strategies for avoiding conflict

​The following are four strategies which you can employ to deal with difficult situations while still making avoiding conflict a key aim:

The following are four strategies which you can employ to deal with difficult situations while still making avoiding conflict a key aim:

​1. Set boundaries

1. Set boundaries

​There are certain behaviors which will never be acceptable to you. You may get angry when somebody behaves in that way but do you have the right to? Have you communicated the fact that you won’t tolerate that behavior? That is what setting boundaries is all about. If other people are clear about what you will and will not accept, you will find that most people will happily avoid the unacceptable behaviors and thus avoid the conflict that may come with them.

Boundaries are really one of the best tools for avoiding conflict. Unfortunately, many people feel as though they have effectively set boundaries when they have not. They stop at the point where they have determined what is and is not acceptable. In doing so, they fail to make it clear to others.

If the people who interact with you regularly are not clear about your boundaries then you have not set the boundaries properly. When communicating, you must remember that the meaning of your message is the meaning received by the other person. For example, ignoring somebody​des not constitute communicating that you are unhappy with something they have said or done. You have only communicated that message when you have explicitly informed them that they said or did something wrong and you have made sure that they understand.

When setting boundaries, you may need to give the message more than once but once you have done so, avoiding conflict becomes easier because people know the consequence of the unacceptable behavior and are more motivated to avoid that consequence.

If you have trouble setting boundaries, check out My Life; My Rules

There are certain behavior which will never be acceptable to you. You may get angry when somebody behaves in that way but do you have the right to? Have you communicated the fact that you won’t tolerate that behavior? That is what setting boundaries is all about. If other people are clear about what you will and will not accept, you will find that most people will happily avoid the behavior and thus avoid the conflict that may come with it.

Boundaries are really one of the best tools for avoiding conflict. Unfortunately, many people feel as though they have effectively set boundaries when they have not. They stop at the point where they have determined what is and is not acceptable. In doing so, they fail to make it clear to others.

If the people who interact with you regularly are not clear about your boundaries then you have not set the boundaries properly. When communicating, you must remember that the meaning of your message is the meaning received by the other person. For example, ignoring somebody is not communicating that you are unhappy with something they have said or done. You have only communicated that message when you have explicitly informed them that they said or did something wrong and you have made sure that they understand.

When setting boundaries, you may need to give the message more than once but once you have done so, avoiding conflict becomes easier because people know the consequence of the unacceptable behavior and more motivated to avoid that consequence.

If you have trouble setting boundaries, check out My Life; My Rules

​2. Don’t blame

2. Don’t blame

​Eliminating blame is one of the most powerful steps you can take towards avoiding conflict. Blame puts people on the defensive. They feel like they are being attacked and nobody wants to feel that way. Blaming somebody else when things go wrong can lead to them lashing out at you or others. Alternatively, it can lead to them withdrawing back into their shell which doesn’t serve anyone either. The same goes for when you blame yourself.

Blame implies that somebody did wrong deliberately. It assumes that they were acting with negative intentions. Life is far better and conflict is rarer when we assume that other people always act with positive intentions the better approach is to encourage everybody to accept responsibility and demonstrate the same yourself.

Accepting responsibility is one of the most powerful things you can do. You are saying that something you did contributed to the negative results. This means that if you change that behavior and choose a better option, you are going to get a better outcome next time.  The important thing to note here is that you are focusing on the behaviors/actions which contributed to the unwanted outcome; you are not blaming the individual. Your aim is to work together to find the best way forward; a way that will allow everybody to enjoy a win.

Related article: Accepting responsibility

Eliminating blame is one of the most powerful steps you can take towards avoiding conflict. Blame puts people on the defensive. They feel like they are being attacked and nobody wants to feel that way. Blaming somebody else when things go wrong can lead to them lashing out at you or others. Alternatively, if can lead to them withdrawing back into their shell which doesn’t serve anyone either. The same goes for when you blame yourself.

Blame implies that somebody did wrong deliberately. It assumes that they were acting with negative intentions. Life is far better and conflict is rarer when we assume that other people always act with positive intentions the better approach is to encourage everybody to accept responsibility and demonstrate the same yourself.

Accepting responsibility is one of the most powerful things you can do. You are saying that somethings you did contributed to the negative results. This means that if you change that behavior and choose a better option, you are going to get a better outcome next time.  The important thing to note here is that you are focusing on the behaviors/actions which contributed to the unwanted outcome; you are not blaming the individual. Your aim is to work together to find the best way forward; a way that will allow everybody to enjoy a win.

Related article: Accepting responsibility

​You can deal with difficult situations and avoid conflict at the same time

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​3. Choose your words wisely

3. Choose your words wisely

​It is very easy to blame others or assign responsibility to them when you are feeling bad e.g. you say that they made you angry. They didn’t make you angry. They behaved whatever way they behaved and you chose your response. You may not realise you chose it as it may have been a subconscious decision but the choice of response was definitely yours.

To realise this, you only have to notice how 2 different people can respond differently to the same situation. If two people react differently to the same situation then it can’t be the situation which determines the response. It must be the individual who chooses their own response.  So nobody else made you angry, jealous, disappointed etc. You chose that response yourself.

Remember that blame causes others to go on the defensive so, even a subtle switch from blame to responsibility can have a massive role in avoiding conflict. For example, rather than say ‘You made me angry’ you could say ‘I feel angry when you do…’ It may not seem like a lot but you are no longer blaming the other person; you are taking ownership of your own feelings.

Related article: 5 Tips to harness the power of words

It is very easy to blame others or assign responsibility to them when you are feeling bad e.g. you say that they made you angry. They didn’t make you angry. They behaved whatever way they behaved and you chose your response. You may not realize you chose it as it may have been a subconscious decision but the choice of response was definitely yours.

To realize this, you only have to notice how 2 different people can respond differently to the same situation. If two people react differently to the same situation then it can’t be the situation which determines the response. It must be the individual who chooses their own response.  So nobody else made you angry, jealous, disappointed etc. You chose that response yourself.

Remember that blame causes others to go on the defensive so, even a subtle switch from blame to responsibility can have a massive role in avoiding conflict. For example, rather than say ‘You made me angry’ you could say ‘I feel angry when you do…’ It may not seem like a lot but you are no longer blaming the other person; you are taking ownership of your own feelings.

Related article: 5 Tips to harness the power of words

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​4. Have predetermined calming measures

4. Have predetermined calming measures

​I have always done some weight training throughout my life. When you are lifting weights lighter than you can manage, you can lift safely on your own; though safety measures should always be taken. As the weights increase, it is best to have somebody ‘spot’ you. This means that they are there in case you are struggling with the weight so that they can intervene to help you avoid injury.  Effectively, you are planning your way out before you begin.

Avoiding conflict can be approached in much the same way i.e. have a plan for calming things down before the conversation begins. This is especially important if you think there is a reasonable chance that the situation might escalate into an argument or; where you are interacting with the other person regularly and you know how they behave during a difficult conversation.

Some strategies you could use include:

I have always done some weight training throughout my life. When you are lifting weights lighter than you can manage, you can lift safely on your own; thought safety measures should always be taken. As the weights increase, it is best to have somebody ‘spot’ you. This means that they are there in case you are struggling with the weight so that they can intervene to help you avoid injury.  Effectively, you are planning your way out before you begin.

Avoiding conflict can be approached in much the same way i.e. have a plan for calming things down before the conversation begins. This is especially important if you think there is a reasonable chance that the situation might escalate into an argument or; where you are interacting with the other person regularly and you know how they behave during a difficult conversation.

Some strategies you could use include:

• ​Use a specific technique e.g. the constructive feedback model

Use a specific technique e.g. the constructive feedback model

• ​Agree that both sides will get to have their say and then you will both take 24 hours to think about how you would like to respond i.e. a cool off period

Agree that both sides will get to have their say and then you will both take 24 hours to think about how you would like to respond i.e. a cool off period

• Set a time limit for the discussion

​Having a strategy for calming things down helps with avoiding conflict and helps both parties to focus on resolving the issue before it escalates into a conflict.

If you are having to deal with difficult people and you want to start avoiding conflict, the Deal with Difficult People Handbook will help you get on the right track.

Having a strategy for calming things down helps with avoiding conflict and helps both parties to focus on resolving the issue before it escalates into a conflict.
If you are having to deal with difficult people and you want to start avoiding conflict, the Deal with Difficult People Handbook will help you get on the right track.

​Conclusion

​Avoiding conflict is one of the most important things that  ​you can do if  ​you want to live a peaceful, loving and happy life. That doesn’t mean  ​you should avoid dealing with issues which need to be dealt with. In fact, if you don’t deal with those important issues, you will experience conflict anyway because other people won’t change their behavior or attitude unless you tell them that you won’t tolerate it anymore. However, most difficult situations can be dealt with successfully while still avoiding conflict. If you take the time to implement the four strategies, above, your attempts at avoiding conflict will become much easier and you will still be able to deal with any issues which may arise.

 

You can’t solve a problem with the same mindset that created it

Do you know people who always seem great in a crisis? It is easy to think of them as great problems solvers. You may even think of them as having problem solving skills which you do not possess. That is not necessarily true.

The most important factor in dealing with a crisis is the ability to stay calm and composed. It is only when you are calm and composed that you can think clearly and explore all your available options.

This makes is easier to find the right solution to the problem because you are focused on the solution, not the problem.The solution is rarely anything new or super creative.
It is usually just a matter of being able to stay calm enough to remember what you already know.

When you lose your composure, you focus solely on the problem. Because you can’t think clearly, you can’t assess the situation accurately and you can’t access the immense wisdom you already possess.You remain stuck in the same mindset that created the problem and as Einstein said:
‘You can’t solve a problem with the same mindset that created it’

If you look at any job that must deal with high pressure situations, a large part of the training focuses on the ability to remain calm and composed under pressure.

That’s because:

• It is the first step in problem solving
• It prevents difficult situations from becoming problems
• It prevents problems from escalating and taking on a life of their own

Your work might not be what we would normally think of as high pressure but we all face pressure daily. Remaining calm and composed will reduce the problems in your life and help you deal with the problems which could not be prevented.

It is often the difference between high productivity and high stress levels.